Becca's Site

for sabba, in heaven.

Wed, 13 Sep 2023 12:38:00 -0700

I started this blog post months ago, on January 23. It was too painful to finish then, but I've returned to it now. It's never too late to finish what you started, and this was something worth releasing, no matter the timeline.

Hi. I'm back. Not sure who still reads this, if you do, thank you.

I wasn't sure when my next blog post was going to be, especially because I didn't have a great big audience I needed to cater to. But one of my readers, one of my biggest supporters, one of my believers, has sadly moved on to the next life. My grandfather... my Sabba, Richard Couzens. This post is for him.

I long to write so badly in these heartbreaking and saddening times, but how can I write when I am not sure what I even want to say. That I am sad that he's gone? Please, I can't just say that. There is simply too many thoughts, too many feelings, too many tears to even begin to explain everything I have experienced within the past month. However, to keep it in won't do me any good either, and I know he wouldn't want that. So, here it goes...

I arrived in Margate, NJ on Thursday night, January 5^th. I remember looking at him for the first time. I was with my sister, Sarah, and her husband, Jon. My Sabba was only an essence of who he was just a couple weeks prior. His cheeks were sunken in, as he laid on the hospice bed, directly next to the one that he slept in with my Safta just days beforehand. His full head of silver hair that survived through chemo finally succombed to its destiny, only a few strands remained on his head. Looking at him like that, I could only keep it together for so long. Sarah left the room, and I began to weep uncontrollably. Jon comforted me to the best of his ability, but I was simply inconsolable. After a few moments, Jon left the room to leave me alone with Sabba. I sat next to him, gasping for breath through my tears. I can't remember the last time I cried like that.

Sabba was awake then. His eyes...Read More

am i the only one

Wed, 02 Mar 2022 14:36:07 -0800

To whoever is reading this- whether I know you, we barely interact, or if you're a complete stranger to me- I am going to let you in on a secret that I don't really tell anyone.

I really do not like college.

Oof, I know. Somehow I did not meet the universal standard, that everyone else seems to be achieving, that college is "the best four years of your life." I spend much of my free time alone within the most populated city in the US, I only really stopped being scared of Covid once I finally caught it a few months ago, I have a low social battery which makes college parties quite a chore, and these past two years of the pandemic has generally made my anxiety worse as a result.

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I didn't go to college in New York and if I opted for an aesthetic liberal arts school in the middle of nowhere that had an actual campus, and I didn't have to worry about taking the train to and from Washington Heights if I wanted to have a social life. For those who don't know, I go to a small, private, all-girls Jewish university in Midtown Manhattan (the place to be!) and much of the social scene happens in Washington Heights where our college's all-boys campus is. It's confusing, I know, but just go along with it. Point is, my general anxieties paired with my disdain for house parties often outweigh my drive to "go out" and meet new people.

Now, what I am willing to do is go out to bars, dancing, karoake, etc. with friends, which is when living in New York becomes pretty great. However, my issue still stands that, despite those occasional moments when I do go out on the town and have a good time, my college experience was gone in the blink of an eye, and not necessarily in a "time flies when you're having fun" type of way.

I never want to come across as ungrateful or complaining in these blog entries. I am well aware of how privileged I am to go to a private...Read More

the world of someone and other

Mon, 10 Jan 2022 18:35:13 -0800

This poem is bad but I still like it. I hope you do too.

Someone falling for the Other

And the Other falling for Someone

Someone lays awake at night, thinking of when they will see the Other

The Other thinks there are not enough impossible hours in the day to spend with Someone

The two only worry about the weather

Sickness is a myth and barriers are of fictional horror

The word "hate" is a curse with no desire to be spoken

Wounds heal with music and a heartbreak is mended with glue

People are just be people

And there is no strife between me and you

taylor swift helped me write this

Tue, 16 Nov 2021 09:07:01 -0800

Someone come and break my heart. No, seriously, I need content.

After months of being on hiatus and lacking the creative drive or motivation to write on my beloved blog, I have come back. And who has helped me? Taylor Swift.

Listening to Taylor Swift's re-released album, Red, even after not being heartbroken in years, I still felt the urge to cry. (However, oddly enough, I had a dream during my multiple hour nap on Saturday and my ex, if you could even call him that, was in it and wanted me back, so maybe there's just something in the air.)

Anyways...

As the whole world knows by now, a 10-minute version of the heartbreak ballad "All Too Well" was released, and can I just say, you are at some sort of disadvantage if you are listening to this song and do not have a heartbreak you can reference to. Despite the story being about a breakup, Taylor paints a picture with lyrics that kind of makes me crave to be there with her. It makes you nostalgic for a past Fall day in a specific year and with a specific person, who may not be anyone to you anymore. Part of the reason why I think I wrote more often in high school is because:

1. The rest of my life was too boring to bear so I had to find some sort of hobby.

2. I was actually filled with heartbreak in many ways.

From my first love and broken heart, to the insecurities, anxieties, and overall stress of just finding my way, everything kind of seemed like the end of the world in high school. It made the feeling of it all 10x stronger, forcing me to release it from within and write it down. In college, I find myself longing to write, but I can't seem to make myself do it. I am in New York City, one of the busiest places on Earth, I am in college and juggling 7 courses, I actually have fun from time to time, and I somehow managed to get a grip. It's strange, it's like, you get happier and learn how to somehow cope/keep up with life and... it starts a sort of writers...Read More

How to Not Be A Runaway

Wed, 06 Jan 2021 12:10:12 -0800

Rewind to last summer when I thought it would be "fun" and "cute" to take the course, Intro to Creative Writing, as an elective in school. I thought: Oh, this is right up my alley, maybe even an easy A. I was wrong. Ironically, this is one of my courses that I had to put the most effort in, so it was definitely a reality check.

I can't be too bitter about it, though, because I got a pretty good Creative Writing Portfolio out of it, including the short story I am sharing with you now. The idea of writing a short story, around 30 pages long, was extremely daunting to me, and I didn't know where to start or what to write about. Lucky for me, a screenplay-worthy story already exists in a life not too far from mine. My grandparents eloped in the 60s, and because I didn't feel enough creativity to create my own plot, that's what I rolled with. However, the story took a turn of its own and formed into one that was almost all crafted from fiction, with only bits and pieces referencing the story of my grandparents. Let's just say, I got lucky. I basically winged it throughout the whole writing process, spent hours on this rather than focusing on my other finals, did many revisions, and thankfully, it worked out in the end. By no means is it perfect, and this is the first story I have ever written, but it always feels nice to complete something that always seemed unattainable.

The story, How to Not Be A Runaway, takes place in the suburbs of Philadelphia in the 1980s, and follows the teenage couple, Danny and Rosie. We get a glimpse into Danny's mind while he tries to cope with the long-lasting effects of his past trauma that are bleeding into his troubled home life. The only person that brings Danny happiness and a feeling of escape is his girlfriend, Rosie. In order to gain a grasp on life, Danny proposes to Rosie and suggests they elope. The story portrays the obstacles and conflicted emotions of their relationship, along with the growing pains...Read More

The Insecurities of a Middle Child

Tue, 06 Oct 2020 21:22:25 -0700

I know, it's been a minute. I'm sorry!!! (To the very limited few who actually tune in for these little thought blurbs). With school starting and just some lack of inspiration, I've gone on a bit of a hiatus, so it's basically obligatory that I return with an extra vulnerable post. For those who read this, and my blog in general, it means the world to me, truly, so I owe it to you. :)

My family are some of my favorite people. Not in the "We are related so I am forced to love you" type of way, I mean in the most genuine "God only knows what I'd be without you" type of way, yet I have discovered that many of my most deep-rooted insecurities have stemmed around me comparing myself to the people I love the most.

While I am a natural homebody that longs for home whenever I am away, there are definitely certain negative mindsets that reappear once I find myself in this setting, surrounded by those I grew up with. My three siblings and I have not lived under the same roof for such a prolonged period of time for nearly a decade, until the pandemic started. While I was always aware of my insecurities rooted in comparison, they definitely became more apparent once I was living with these people once again, day and night.

One of my biggest fears is being labeled as the "dumb sibling". While my brothers and sister are gifted in math and science and left brain logic, I was not granted such traits. My skills and interests do not align with the same subjects and guide me towards writing and music, and... let's face it, the less "practical" skills. (What makes it even harder is that, they are also good at these things, yikes). There are times when I cry, thinking "How did I end up this way?" What could I have done to understand Algebra a little more in eighth grade so I didn't have to retake it my Freshman year of high school and set me behind. What could I have done to get placed into Honors Chemistry. What could I have done to make myself care...Read More

Blackout

Mon, 10 Aug 2020 12:33:52 -0700

Earlier this week, the storms from Hurricane Isaias reached my neighborhood on the edge of Pennsylvania. After a few false alarm power outages, there was finally one final gust of wind that cut off our electricity for the rest of the day, starting at around 2 pm. In the beginning it was easy, there was still daylight and we all still had some battery left on our phones. However, after a few hours passed, boredom began to sink in. We would have a surge of dopamine enter our brains every time our one bar of signal brought in an instagram notification or when a text came through. Without the power, our life seemed lifeless, which made me wonder: When the power is gone, what do we have left?

It is becoming more apparent within recent years that we live within a distraction, almost as if we have taken on the responsibility of living for other's in a sense. If we are not "logged on" then it feels like a piece of us is missing. We are living in a time when the need to show everyone a glamorous, fleeting moment in time within an instagram picture and the desire for it to be acknowledged by others, cannot fully be quenched. A little over a month ago, I had every intention of deleting instagram off of my phone, but I kept it to see how many birthday posts/shoutouts I would get. Narcissistic? Yup, but I think it's relatable too. Long story short, I never ended up deleting it, because the feeling of uploading a picture and then getting praise (really for just existing) is addictive.

Now, I am aware that this is probably the most hypocritical, self-righteous, pretentious thing I have written, but let me get something clear: What I am saying is not original. Everyone has discussed at one point or another that we are living in a fake world through our screens. I have had lengthy talks about this topic with friends and family, and you probably have too. This is something that everyone knows and there are moments when we feel its effects on us. When it comes down...Read More

Cancer Szn

Sun, 05 Jul 2020 14:57:04 -0700

The first playlist: Cancer Szn.

I was born on July 11, 2000. I have always matched the description of the astrological sign of Cancer: emotional, sentimental, imaginative, moody, sensitive, and the list goes on. I wanted to curate a playlist that captures the essence of this particular astrological sign. These songs, to me, represent summer days and nights. The addictive feeling of nostalgia and the painful yet comforting sensation it holds. Lots and lots of love. Driving with the windows down. Feeling sleepy after being in the sun for too long, and then falling asleep to the sounds of nature outside your open window. This is my ideal season, and with the pandemic still happening and quarantine still in place, these are the places these songs take me to.

Link to Playlist:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4MdDiOYWpgeDegwmVV9t7d?si=aeZFvrvFQjOmWEcLD2hf_g

Copy, paste, play.

Happy Cancer Season <3

Too Far

Tue, 02 Jun 2020 18:37:46 -0700

This is what I journaled last night. Some simple thoughts for a very complicated time. Nothing too extraordinary to say. Sorry if some points are unclear, I just needed to let out what was on my mind.

I am really scared for the world at this moment. It all seems to be getting worse, and only the bad is broadcasted. There is COVID, there is inequality, there is unnecessary death by those meant to protect, there is looting, there is rioting. Every time we thought we've reached the threshold, it becomes greater. At any moment, we can crack. I wonder what the meaning is, I wonder when the reward of peace will come to fruition, because right now, it seems too far to bare. There is so much unfairness that it seems too far gone to fix and too much to heal from. Everyone seems to be an enemy of another, and I hate it. Please, God, allow us to look in retrospect and see the reasons for the pain, instead of just experiencing it. Your people need a miracle. I do not want to waste time with intellectual opinions, poetic writing, or complicating the fact that what is happening is wrong. I watch movies and shows and it seems like a separate entity from life now, and I am not even the one actively suffering. But simultaneously, when one of us suffers, we all do. I do not want us to suffer anymore, but at this moment, it seems like that is too much to ask.

I know this doesn't end on a "happy" note, but the situation right now isn't happy. However, this will hopefully be a beginning to change. I do believe humanity will achieve what we all desire one day. Even if it is in the deepest depths of the souls of certain individuals. We will achieve love.

Winging It

Tue, 26 May 2020 19:17:32 -0700

I wrote this quote down in my high school journal on September 20, 2016. I'm not sure why I felt the need to date it but I guess it's good that I did.

One of the people who will always have my heart is David Bowie, and I think this quote is exactly what I needed to hear at the time. As a teenager, it is very easy to assume that everyone has it more figured out than you do. I remember not being able to wrap my head around the concept of growing up and becoming an adult, who just automatically knows how to deal with "real life" situations. However, with the help of Bowie and just seeing the world a little more, I have come to realize that no one fully has it together and no one really knows what the hell is going on. The real art is faking it until you make it, and some of us are just better at it than others. I still struggle with this idea, but once it's put in the context of a universal battle, a little bit of the insecurity and worry attached to it disappears. In fact, I think it's more impressive when people have the humility to admit what they don't know rather than shed light on what they do know. We are always trying to prove ourselves and show our strengths, but to display vulnerability is the real challenge.

My grandmother once told me: "Whenever you think you have complete control, it is an illusion" and she's right! We as mortal human beings, only have so much power. The rest is up to God, the universe, destiny, whatever you want to call it, because if things always went the way as planned, there would be no room for growth. Life would be perfection and there would be no purpose. We develop from the crappy times, we learn from the accidents, and there is no growth without a little rain at first. For example, this pandemic is a point of uncertainty for the whole world, and no one knows what the future holds, we can only hope for the best and take it one day at a time. We can only do our part, trust the process, and remember that a mistake...Read More